“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Super Hand Dog Face
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.