You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
You Might Also Like
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband