Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.