Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
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GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
This kinda thing happens to me often
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
The French cow says MEUX…
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW