Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs