[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
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[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
this is the news I live for
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.