Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
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Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.