[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.