I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
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i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?