I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
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My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…