doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
You Might Also Like
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
The prophecy is fulfilled
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
me working on my assignments ^-^
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.