Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml