Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
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my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
his wife is probably gonna see that
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Very good! 👍😂
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue