Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking