But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
You Might Also Like
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.