I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.