Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*