Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.