If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.