Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
That’s classic.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?