Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.