Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”