Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content Iβm here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.πβ€οΈ
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
i love that my tweets still say iβm tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I gave a co-worker my word today β¦
And yes, the word started with the letter βFβ β¦
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they donβt want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEYβRE CALLED HEADPHONES
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I donβt get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.