I’m dying louder than usual today.
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Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Netflix and you sit over there.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I beg your pardon?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.