I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
do horses think humans are hats
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.