i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Hot hot hot 🥵
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy