date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.