That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.