At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
A couple who are silly together stay together.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.