I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????