Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
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I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*