I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
OH. COME. ON.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?