[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
You Might Also Like
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
These aren’t even hard anymore.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.