Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
So the ex texted me
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!