Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I am having an out of money experience.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.