Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me