Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
You Might Also Like
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!