HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
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Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Goat cheese is for herders.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there