ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.