Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating