waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
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It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Home #decor warning.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.