my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
barbara was highly relatable
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole