As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
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I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.