If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
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Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings