What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
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Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.