Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Love it! 👍😂
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods