My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
You Might Also Like
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.