ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I am crying
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
emergency phone
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up