Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
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Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
The Joker was right
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.