Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
😲 WTF? 😆
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that